Inside the Head of John Boehner: Orange Is the New Barack at State of the Union ’14

“Now nod to Biden, John. Wink too. Keep the old kook guessing. Your tie rocks. His blows. You got this, John. You got this.”

“Ok, John, the Prez talked against China. Clap but don’t stand. Remember which party he represents. Let’s not get carried away.”

“Now would be a good time to scowl, John. Wait, hurry up and stand. He just mentioned the First Lady. We need the women’s vote. Get up, fool, don’t blow it. Stand.”

“Hey, he just mentioned your dad, the barkeeper, John. You need to react. Good. Thumb up. Slick move. Now smile, the nation is watching.”

“He uttered the words, ‘climate change’ and ‘immigration reform’. Don’t you dare move a muscle, John. Do not applaud. Do not stand. Sit still and act skeptical. That’s it. Do your job.”

“Wait, I missed that. He mentioned America and world-class education in the same sentence. Polite applause, John. Don’t overdo it. Keep it short. He’s bound to stumble soon but stay on guard. The nation is watching. He said ‘education’ again, fool, clap. That’s it. Again, but not too much. That’s enough, Cory Booker is standing. Jesus, stop clapping. Time to scowl.”

“He’s talking about women again. Stand, go ahead, it’s safe. They make up more than half of voters. Don’t get carried away but show support. Now sit and only applaud if he mentions business and women in the same breath. Productivity is a bipartisan term, but do not, I repeat, do not applaud any mention of a minimum wage increase.”

“I know, I know, you need to go to the bathroom. Think about something…Oh God, here we go, he’s talking about Obamacare. Time to scoff. Time to act disinterested, if not exasperated. He’s baiting you, John. Don’t give in. He’s a real prick. Stay cool and calm. You’ll be able to piss soon.”

“Ok, yeah, that was a good line but don’t give him an inch, damn it. He’ll … Oh wait, he mentioned the armed forces. Hurry up, stand! Beat Biden! That’s right, clap hard, loud and long. Ok wait, hurry up, sit, I heard ‘war over’, sit and don’t you dare clap unless… He mentioned terrorists, hurry up, clap! Clap!”

” ‘Vigilant’. Bastard used our word. Let’s see where he goes with this. ‘No endless war’? Is he nuts? OK, this is easy. He’s talking about shit that he’s failed to accomplish, such as closing Guantanamo Bay. He’ll never get it done. He’s slipping. Now he’s talking Iran. Pay attention. He said something about avoiding a nuclear weapon. Clap, clap! Hurry up and — wait, he mentioned Russia and veto and diplomacy! Stop–act very, very skeptical. Make sure you express doubt. Distrust. He is the enemy, John. Do not forget that.”

“Team USA, gold. Stand up and applaud, you ass!”

“Oh God, John, forget it. He just kicked our ass, played the injured soldier card. Ten deployments no less! Our territory, the son of a bitch! Stomach feels queasy. Shouldn’t have had that burrito. Just don’t shit your pants, John. Be smooth. He’ll be done soon, thank God!”

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